You are walking on the street, trying to enjoy the singing birds, but your boxer doesn’t let you. It keeps rising up inside your trousers, pulling your manly marbles into a tight uncomfortable squeeze. Even as you try to walk with a wider gait still it keeps rising as though in competition with global climate temperatures.
Around you people are walking by and your mother raised you well, so your sense of decency won’t allow you to lift your leg like a peeing dog and pull it out with the classic thumb and index finger manoeuvre. Such an efficient manoeuvre it is, more efficient than most government offices.
So you look around, once, twice, hoping no one is looking your way so that you can quickly reach down and pull it out with the speed of a striking cobra.
The hardest moments are in the office. You sit in a meeting for an hour or so and your under pant rises up your pants faster than your career is rising in the organization. In these times of open offices, it is so hard to just reach down and pull it out. You first look around to ensure nosy Jane and moral Anne are busy on their laptop screens before you do so. Or else they will think you have become like indecent John who scratches his marbles in the office.
As per Newton’s law of gravity, any object that goes up must come down. Did Newton wear under pants? I don’t think so because pants tend to rise and rise.
Why does under wear ride up? You sit down, they go up. You stand up, they remain up. You walk, they go higher.
Without the magical thumb and index manoeuvre, underpants can put you in a very painful position.
It’s also hard to think clearly when your marbles are in a squeezed position. It stifles creativity, increases passive aggression and probably affects the company bottom line.
Women often find it funny or offensive when a man reaches down to free himself of the panty pinch (I think that sounds better than stuck pant). There is nothing funny or offensive about it. Fellow humans of the female kind, just so you know, the panty pinch on a man’s marbles can feel like a sharp knife slicing your future into two.
I support that women should be able to breastfeed in public without any shaming. In the same breath I support that men should be able to pull out a stuck under-pant in public without any shaming.
Some fertility experts are of the view that continuous wear of under pants is not good for men. Free advise to men, for avoidance of the panty pinch, boxer shorts are your good friend, boxers your friend and briefs are your enemy. I learnt this the day we had a training in the office auditorium.
I was in line to facilitate a session. When my turn came, I stood up but as I made my way to the podium, I was hit by the familiar sharp pain of the panty pinch. I tried to ignore the pain, walking with my legs slightly wider apart. Trick one failed.
I managed fairly well from my seat to the podium edge. I was hoping to get to the podium steps and to use the wider stepping going up the short staircase as a manoeuvre to cajole my briefs out of the strangle hold. Trick two failed. The briefs just wouldn’t budge.
It was getting more painful with every step. I got to the pulpit and I couldn’t hold bear it anymore. Trick three was to use the pulpit to block the audience as I pulled out my adamant briefs. There was no way out. Only later did I realize the pulpit had a transparent glass front.
It is my considered opinion that whoever invented under pants did not do men any favour. Other than hiding erections, which are normal, men could well have done without underpants if only they hadn’t been invented in the first place. It would have remained socially acceptable to be without underwear and many men would be free of the panty pinch problem.
That’s why it feels so good to go without them once every now and then. It allows our marbles to breathe the air of true freedom, that which our forefathers fought so hard for. Every man should be free to go without underpants.